Recently I was involved in a tense discussion with someone. We were on somewhat opposite sides in discussing how to deal with situation. At one point the statement was made “You don’t have a doctorate in psychology so…” While that statement is 100% correct, it had no bearing, no merit & served no purpose in solving the problem we were discussing. The person who said it was going into defense mode and the substance of what we were discussing became lost. The conversation turned personal.
If I actually did have a doctorate in psychology, a person in this kind of situation would simply have said “Just because you have a Doctorate in psychology doesn’t mean…”
More often than not, I’m finding myself asking the question, what happened to open dialog? I see it, watch it & hear it happening daily, intense, important conversations that need to be had, disintegrating into meaningless nothing. It seems like the more important the topic, the more personal the comments become. People become so embroiled in winning at all cost, that they forget what the point of the conversation actually was.
It’s the cause of the political divisiveness our country is in and it has become a part of our culture. We get so caught up in the ‘How’, that we forget about the ‘Why’
I watched it happen almost a decade ago as the clergy abuse crisis evolved in Boston. People couldn’t understand how I could sit in a room with someone who I was total at total opposite ends with. It was insulting to them that I’d even consider it. I see it happening today as the clergy abuse scandal continues to unfold.
I don’t have to agree with a person, to sit and have a discussion with them about what needs to be done. Honestly, I’d rather sit and have an intense discussion with someone I may disagree with, than sit in a room full of people that simply nod their heads. Open dialog about tough topics are the only way that progress can be made. General protests and protestors have their value. Anger has its value. It seems like we’ve forgotten that open direct dialog has a value as well. You don’t have to like a person to sit across a table from them, open up dialog & get something accomplished. Kennedy found that out with Khrushchev, Regan found it out with Gorbachev.
As a survivor, for over a decade I’ve tried to raise the awareness of an ugly subject and bring about positive change. Open, direct, engaging & constructive dialog is the one thing that is going to continue to move this football down the field. I’m choosing to do that, instead of watching from the sidelines or sitting on the bleachers and shouting. It was my choice a decade ago, it’s my choice today.
GMB.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Its Time To Change Direction.
It is time to change the direction of the conversations making the rounds surrounding the childhood clergy abuse scandal that continues to drown Pope Benedict. As a survivor, the conversations today are a vague reminder, almost a déjà vu type feeling, of what it was like in Boston almost a decade ago.
At that time, it seemed like the only thing everyone wanted to know, was “Who knew what, when?”…and the only forward moving train of thought seemed to be “Archbishop Cardinal Bernard Law should step down”.
I understood where that anger came from then, just as I understand where the anger comes from now. Anger serves a purpose; It’s an internal rallying cry that can bring people together in a worthwhile cause. Nothing is more worthwhile than the protection of children from the life long struggles that sexual abuse at an early age can bring. If nothing else, that is the one thing I get. I’ve known anger. At many points in my life we were on a first name basis. At times, I know it today.
While anger may get you there, what anger doesn’t do is get you any further. In a lot of ways, anger is like that Chinese food. It tastes great when you’re eating it. You’re full when you’re finished eating. The only problem is that an hour later, you’re usually hungrier than you were before you ate.
When the rallying cry in Boston 10 years ago was for then Archbishop Cardinal Law to step down, yes I was angry. However I no more wanted him to step down then, than I want Pope Benedict to step down now. Cardinal Law stepping down only momentarily defused the tension. Once that was done, the general publics sentiment was “Ok that’s done, nice job, its over”. Or so they thought. Yet here we are, almost a decade later, angry again, and in some cases calling for the resignation of another leader.
As a child, we’re taught that quitting doesn’t solve anything, you don’t get to quit just because it’s hard. Yet as adults more often than not, we advocate leaders in tough situations to quit, we push them out. What that solves, I’m not really sure.
10 years ago I advocated for Cardinal Law “To stay and clean up this mess. Once it’s cleaned up, he can go where he pleases”. Had he not resigned, Cardinal Law would probably still be cleaning up today. Today though, he would have had walked year after year in the shoes of survivors, their families and the damage caused in their lives by childhood sexual abuse by his clergy. My hope was to turn this former civil rights leader, into an advocate for change and protection. Maybe I was actually being what I was called “Hopelessly optimistic”. Or maybe in doing what Catholics use to call penance, after a few years he would have had a better understanding of his failure and it’s results and have a better idea on it’s prevention.
The simple facts are that in recent years, the survivor community has been able to get more accomplished with the current pope, than with any other church leader in the last 50 years. He has met with survivors and has agreed to meet with more. He has made more positive statements for survivors than any other Pope before him. He has used the words crime and criminal. He has issued written apologies to survivors and their families. New policies have been adopted by catholic schools around the country in the United States. Enough? No, not even close. Perfect? No, not even remotely close, but in my life I’ve learned that it’s about “Progress, not perfection”. Simply put, we have made progress. The call for his resignation will only temporarily deflate the situation, not solve it. Calls for him to resign leads to the questions of who will replace him. The only person that may be perfect enough for the current situation who could probably please everyone no longer walks on this earth.
We need to change the direction of the rhetorical conversations that are being played out over and over again. We need to stop asking the question “Who knew what when” It’s become rhetorical. “Who knew what & when did they know it?” was the question that my generation asked. It was answered as survivors like my self started telling our stories.
“What are we now going to do about it?” is the question that I need answered so that I know my son, my grandson won’t have a story like mine to tell.
“Who knew what & when did they know it?” Here’s the simple answer. Too many people of power in the Catholic Church knew too much to deny it today and yet did nothing for far too long.
The conversation now has needs to be “What are we going to do about it”. It needs to be asked over, and over and over again. When that question starts to be asked, the answers will set a benchmark. The defenses used in answering “Who knew what when?” can’t be used once the question of “What are we now going to do about it” starts getting asked and answered.
I have read that Pope Benedicts, as a Cardinal, had a nick name, “The Bulldog”. We need to start asking the bulldog the right question. In answering that question, through his own words, a benchmark will be set. Given the opportunity, I would ask him myself.
I can’t speak for everyone else. As for me, I’m not going back for the Chinese food. I’ve had my fill.
GMB.
At that time, it seemed like the only thing everyone wanted to know, was “Who knew what, when?”…and the only forward moving train of thought seemed to be “Archbishop Cardinal Bernard Law should step down”.
I understood where that anger came from then, just as I understand where the anger comes from now. Anger serves a purpose; It’s an internal rallying cry that can bring people together in a worthwhile cause. Nothing is more worthwhile than the protection of children from the life long struggles that sexual abuse at an early age can bring. If nothing else, that is the one thing I get. I’ve known anger. At many points in my life we were on a first name basis. At times, I know it today.
While anger may get you there, what anger doesn’t do is get you any further. In a lot of ways, anger is like that Chinese food. It tastes great when you’re eating it. You’re full when you’re finished eating. The only problem is that an hour later, you’re usually hungrier than you were before you ate.
When the rallying cry in Boston 10 years ago was for then Archbishop Cardinal Law to step down, yes I was angry. However I no more wanted him to step down then, than I want Pope Benedict to step down now. Cardinal Law stepping down only momentarily defused the tension. Once that was done, the general publics sentiment was “Ok that’s done, nice job, its over”. Or so they thought. Yet here we are, almost a decade later, angry again, and in some cases calling for the resignation of another leader.
As a child, we’re taught that quitting doesn’t solve anything, you don’t get to quit just because it’s hard. Yet as adults more often than not, we advocate leaders in tough situations to quit, we push them out. What that solves, I’m not really sure.
10 years ago I advocated for Cardinal Law “To stay and clean up this mess. Once it’s cleaned up, he can go where he pleases”. Had he not resigned, Cardinal Law would probably still be cleaning up today. Today though, he would have had walked year after year in the shoes of survivors, their families and the damage caused in their lives by childhood sexual abuse by his clergy. My hope was to turn this former civil rights leader, into an advocate for change and protection. Maybe I was actually being what I was called “Hopelessly optimistic”. Or maybe in doing what Catholics use to call penance, after a few years he would have had a better understanding of his failure and it’s results and have a better idea on it’s prevention.
The simple facts are that in recent years, the survivor community has been able to get more accomplished with the current pope, than with any other church leader in the last 50 years. He has met with survivors and has agreed to meet with more. He has made more positive statements for survivors than any other Pope before him. He has used the words crime and criminal. He has issued written apologies to survivors and their families. New policies have been adopted by catholic schools around the country in the United States. Enough? No, not even close. Perfect? No, not even remotely close, but in my life I’ve learned that it’s about “Progress, not perfection”. Simply put, we have made progress. The call for his resignation will only temporarily deflate the situation, not solve it. Calls for him to resign leads to the questions of who will replace him. The only person that may be perfect enough for the current situation who could probably please everyone no longer walks on this earth.
We need to change the direction of the rhetorical conversations that are being played out over and over again. We need to stop asking the question “Who knew what when” It’s become rhetorical. “Who knew what & when did they know it?” was the question that my generation asked. It was answered as survivors like my self started telling our stories.
“What are we now going to do about it?” is the question that I need answered so that I know my son, my grandson won’t have a story like mine to tell.
“Who knew what & when did they know it?” Here’s the simple answer. Too many people of power in the Catholic Church knew too much to deny it today and yet did nothing for far too long.
The conversation now has needs to be “What are we going to do about it”. It needs to be asked over, and over and over again. When that question starts to be asked, the answers will set a benchmark. The defenses used in answering “Who knew what when?” can’t be used once the question of “What are we now going to do about it” starts getting asked and answered.
I have read that Pope Benedicts, as a Cardinal, had a nick name, “The Bulldog”. We need to start asking the bulldog the right question. In answering that question, through his own words, a benchmark will be set. Given the opportunity, I would ask him myself.
I can’t speak for everyone else. As for me, I’m not going back for the Chinese food. I’ve had my fill.
GMB.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Coming Soon: Finding Peace
Set to pick up where "Don’t Call Me A Victim”, left off, Finding Peace; One Man's Journey is my path to peace, coming to terms with my past and moving on. I have never thought of myself as a crusader and perhaps I am a passive one at best but continuing to address sexual abuse issues within the church and helping others find the same peace I have come to know is and always will be a goal of mine.
Writing has been a journey of healing for me.
Tentative Release Date: October 2010
Don't Call Me a Victim by Gary Bergeron
Don't Call Me a Victim is written by Gary Bergeron and published by Arc Angel Publishing. It is a book about faith, hope and sexual abuse in the catholic church.
From his childhood years as a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of one of Boston's most notorious priest's Rev. Joseph Birmingham, to his emergence as a leading spokesperson, this book details Bergeron's private meetings with church officials and his inside knowledge of the largest lawsuit ever filed against the Catholic Church. This first hand account of an insiders road from victim to survivor is truly inspiring. Don't Call Me A Victim, Faith, Hope & Sexual Abuse in the Catholic Church, allows its readers to walk in his shoes.
To purchase a copy of the book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0975899341/ref=dp_olp_new?ie=UTF8&qid=1270494504&sr=8-1&condition=new
Amazon reader comments:
By Fr. Patrick McCafferty "Fr Paddy McCafferty" (Belfast, Ireland)
This review is from: Don't Call Me a Victim (Hardcover)
"Don't Call Me A Victim: Faith, Hope & Sexual Abuse In The Catholic Church" is a truly remarkable book. It is a profoundly moving testimony. Reading it was a deeply affecting experience.
One can only be full of deep admiration for Gary Bergeron, his brother, his fellow survivors - Olan Horne, Bernie McDaid - and all the others.
I am a Catholic priest from Belfast in the north of Ireland. I also was sexually abused as a child beginning at age four by a child-minder. It marked me deeply as a child - plunging me into a world of fear and terror. I was also trying to grow up in the midst of the terrible violence that was a feature of daily life in Northern Ireland until quite recently.
To compound the trauma I suffered at such a tender age, I was also sexually assaulted on numerous occasions by a priest when I was a young student for the priesthood. This man used force and psychological manipulation to attack me. I felt helpless and that I was to blame - that I would have been the one in trouble - victims of sexual predators will know the deal and how we are made to feel.
All these accumulated experiences had horrific consequences for me. I couldn't sleep without the most awful nightmares. I couldn't eat without being sick almost immediately afterwards. I was self-harming with knives, etc. I suffered panic attacks and so on. I was eventually diagnosed as suffering from PTSD.
A great depth of thanks to Gary Bergeron for this amazing book, for sharing his courageous journey with us. When I was reading it, so many powerful emotions were surfacing - grief and tears, rage against the institutional Church, deep sorrow and distress at all that Gary and so many other innocents had to endure - I could go on.
Thanks to Gary and all the others for taking such a courageous stand against the powerful institution of the Catholic Church - too much of which has betrayed and abandoned Jesus Christ Himself - in the person of the children who suffered so horrendously at the hands of some of the very people - who were supposed to minister in Jesus' Name.
I too think often of the ones who never made it and who died as a result of the consequences - the injuries inflicted upon their hearts, souls, minds, bodies and spirits.
As a priest, I too have taken a very strong public stand on the issue of sexual abuse of children, young people and vulnerable adults by clergy. As Gary Bergeron puts it so well on p.277 of his book: "...you could be on the outside of the Church doors and when they are closed, no one inside hears you. Or you could sit inside, in their home, where they have to look at you, and they can't ignore you".
That what I'm doing - I'm staying in the Church because of Jesus Christ and to do whatever little I can to help heal my fellow human beings who suffered the crime and tragedy of being abused, as well as to heal the Church itself.
I really hope that Gary Bergeron and his friends are now doing well. I wish them much peace and continued healing on their own journey of life. How delightful to hear about the Harley Davidson and I'm sure everyone wishes Gary much joy and safe traveling as he rides around New England with the wind in his face and the sun on his back!
God bless him. His books gives hope. I trust that those who read it - especially those who suffered the horror of sexual abuse when they were children and young people - will be greatly encouraged and strenghthened.
5.0 out of 5 stars Don't Call Me A Victim, October 6, 2004
By Kathleen Sannizzaro (Topsfield, Massachusetts)
This review is from: Don't Call Me a Victim (Hardcover)
I recently read "Don't Call Me A Victim" by Gary Bergeron and I literally could not put it down. Throughout the book I laughed (the author's humor is amazing in light of his situation).. and I cried..and when I was done with the book I told everyone I knew to read it! It is truly a riveting story told with humility and passion....leaving me to believe he truly is not a victim but a survivor and an inspiration.
4.0 out of 5 stars A Real Survivor, January 22, 2005
By Linda K (USA)
This review is from: Don't Call Me a Victim (Hardcover)
This book truly puts a personal face to a global situation. The approach of forgiveness, realistic expectations, accountablility, faith, spirituality and perserverance for what he believes is right was heartwarming. Excellent book. Highly recommended. Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Sunday, April 4, 2010
For Working to Put an End to Priest Pedo...
For Working to Put an End to Priest Pedophilia, Gary Bergeron Merits the BuzzFlash Wings of Justice Award
By BuzzFlash
Created 04/04/2010 - 4:17pm
BUZZFLASH WINGS OF JUSTICE AWARD
GARY BERGERON
Don't call Gary Bergeron a victim; te sees himself as a survivor, a survivor of sexual child abuse at the hands of a religious figure: in this case a priest.
His father and brother were similarly violated in the Boston Archdiocese, as the hierarchy of the Catholic Church devoted more time to protecting the priests who abused than the victims.
These past two weeks, new revelations of past massive child abuse at the hands of priests has emerged, most notably in the U.S., Ireland, Germany, Italy and elsewhere. If these felony acts by priests were a disease, the abuse of children while under the care and “moral credibility” of the Church would be an epidemic.
Individual Catholics bear no blame in this monstrous sexual abuse of their children; but the church leadership – who covered up and prolonged sexual abuse – is to blame. There is no assurance that it is still not currently going on.
These past Holy Days leading up to the Resurrection of Christ during Easter were ironically filled with a mean-spirited Vatican public relations offensive to defend the Pope – who let much pedophilia go unpunished and unstopped when he headed the Church's clerical investigation office. At some point, those of the Catholic faith will have to choose between defending the leadership of the Vatican that has condoned child abuse and mollycoddled priests or choose to play Russian Roulette with whether or not their children will be sexually abused in the future.
BuzzFlash spoke to Gary Bergeron, who became known as one of the more fearless spokespersons for the many children who had been abused at the hands of some of the Boston Catholic clergy as the then Cardinal Law tried to dismiss their calls for an investigation. Bergeron told BuzzFlash that he is not looking for retribution nor does he harbor vindictiveness; he wants a solemn promise from Pope Benedict, with details, on how child sexual abuse will be prevented in the Church in the future. To this date, he has heard no such vow.
Bergeron wants the Catholic Church to live up to its Godly ideal, not to become a fraternity that protects its deviants at the expense of the trauma caused to children. He is still disappointedly waiting.
But he still maintains hope that God's emissary in the Catholic faith will finally do what is God's will and protect the children, not the perpetrators of sexual abuse.
For his singular patience, determination, and caring for the children of tomorrow, Gary Bergeron merits the BuzzFlash Wings of Justice Award.
BUZZFLASH WINGS OF JUSTICE AWARD
Technorati Tags: BuzzFlash Honors [1] Pedophilia [2] Pope Benedict [3] Cover-up [4]
BuzzFlash Honors
Unless otherwise noted, all original content and headlines are © BuzzFlash. Contact BuzzFlash for reprint rights.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source URL: http://blog.buzzflash.com/honors/306
By BuzzFlash
Created 04/04/2010 - 4:17pm
BUZZFLASH WINGS OF JUSTICE AWARD
GARY BERGERON
Don't call Gary Bergeron a victim; te sees himself as a survivor, a survivor of sexual child abuse at the hands of a religious figure: in this case a priest.
His father and brother were similarly violated in the Boston Archdiocese, as the hierarchy of the Catholic Church devoted more time to protecting the priests who abused than the victims.
These past two weeks, new revelations of past massive child abuse at the hands of priests has emerged, most notably in the U.S., Ireland, Germany, Italy and elsewhere. If these felony acts by priests were a disease, the abuse of children while under the care and “moral credibility” of the Church would be an epidemic.
Individual Catholics bear no blame in this monstrous sexual abuse of their children; but the church leadership – who covered up and prolonged sexual abuse – is to blame. There is no assurance that it is still not currently going on.
These past Holy Days leading up to the Resurrection of Christ during Easter were ironically filled with a mean-spirited Vatican public relations offensive to defend the Pope – who let much pedophilia go unpunished and unstopped when he headed the Church's clerical investigation office. At some point, those of the Catholic faith will have to choose between defending the leadership of the Vatican that has condoned child abuse and mollycoddled priests or choose to play Russian Roulette with whether or not their children will be sexually abused in the future.
BuzzFlash spoke to Gary Bergeron, who became known as one of the more fearless spokespersons for the many children who had been abused at the hands of some of the Boston Catholic clergy as the then Cardinal Law tried to dismiss their calls for an investigation. Bergeron told BuzzFlash that he is not looking for retribution nor does he harbor vindictiveness; he wants a solemn promise from Pope Benedict, with details, on how child sexual abuse will be prevented in the Church in the future. To this date, he has heard no such vow.
Bergeron wants the Catholic Church to live up to its Godly ideal, not to become a fraternity that protects its deviants at the expense of the trauma caused to children. He is still disappointedly waiting.
But he still maintains hope that God's emissary in the Catholic faith will finally do what is God's will and protect the children, not the perpetrators of sexual abuse.
For his singular patience, determination, and caring for the children of tomorrow, Gary Bergeron merits the BuzzFlash Wings of Justice Award.
BUZZFLASH WINGS OF JUSTICE AWARD
Technorati Tags: BuzzFlash Honors [1] Pedophilia [2] Pope Benedict [3] Cover-up [4]
BuzzFlash Honors
Unless otherwise noted, all original content and headlines are © BuzzFlash. Contact BuzzFlash for reprint rights.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source URL: http://blog.buzzflash.com/honors/306
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